Repressed Memories

I began the process of recovering repressed memories around 4 years ago.  I had quit my job and taken time off to travel.  I came back to the United States and for a number of days I found myself getting more and more manic.  One night, I had a dream unlike anything I’d ever had before.  There was much strange symbolism involving the person I now know sexually abused me in the dream.  I saw myself in a place with them, with overtones of something nefarious yet still somewhat hidden, as well as specific symbology that I interpreted upon awakening.  I rarely remembered dreams and I remembered everything about this dream clearly.  I went online and began decoding the symbols, and they told a story, of me being molested (I had no previous recollection of any sexual abuse in my life).  I started googling about sexual abuse and was led from one place to another.  I eventually found an article that spoke of sexual abuse survivors unconsciously masturbating when reading about other children being molested.  As I was reading other peoples’ accounts of being abused, I suddenly realized my hands were in my pants.  Shocked, I felt a surge of energy that was so powerful, I immediately repressed it.  A knowing, a mania.  The pain and fear behind this energy was so intense I knew I would need to be in a hospital as I felt a complete loss of control over my reality and ability to control my body.  I felt my body would go crazy and I would have no idea what happened, that it was so intense I could end up a vegetable if it were to release.  I knew then that this had happened, but I had no choice but to deny it and shut it down because I knew I needed to be in a treatment center or under a hospital’s supervision, and I didn’t have $20,000 for that.  I convinced myself it wasn’t real, repressed it and moved on.

I moved to Austin Texas, and about a year later, I went to a tantra class where I was triggered again.  I felt the weight of a thousand pounds upon me and a deep sadness I had never felt before.  I knew I needed to do something about this.  I had recently heard about ayahuasca and went to an ayahuasca retreat in Peru a week later to try to recover the memories.  I did not recover them there but found out other important information in regards to my life purpose.

I returned to Austin and after several months was guided to try hypnotherapy.  I went to a recommended hypnotherapist and had a profound first meeting with my inner child.  I went with the intent to recover a memory but was very anxious.  My eyes started shifting up and down beneath the blindfold.  This went on for about 20-30 minutes before I realized that I had become myself at 4 years old, terrified to come out.  I was my inner child.  I felt a column of energy shift in my body.  Meeting her and feeling her innocence changed my life.  I loved the session so much I decided, “this is what I want to do”, and I soon went to hypnotherapy school.

My experience of recovering my memories was always that every time I came close to recovering the first memory for the first time, my body and mind reacted in a strange way unlike anything I’d ever experienced before.  I became manic and felt loss of control and felt something rising up, and like I was going crazy.  I shut down.  This happened before I took ayahuasca (potential recovery of memory).  This also happened when I went camping in the redwoods on the first day of hypnotherapy school.  Someone’s soothing voice triggered me and I left for the day.  I felt like I had to get away from people and be alone.  When I was in the woods, I felt terrified at what was rising up and called out to God for help.

The first time I recovered my first memory, I saw it almost from a vague, third person point of view.  I heard and saw only a couple of bits of the memory but they were clear enough to know what had happened.  I felt uncertain about the validity of what I was seeing, and I spoke to archangel Michael during the session and he told me about my inner child, “she knows, she knows.”  I decided then to honor my inner child for showing me.  Our inner children are terrified and are trusting that what they show you will be believed.  If you do not believe it, do not expect them to trust you to show you more memories, or, alternatively, you may need to earn that trust back again after invalidating them.  It is the same as a child telling an adult that she is being molested; she must be listened to and believed or she won’t want to come forth with more information.  Your inner child will never lie to you UNLESS you don’t believe them.  I invalidated what my inner child showed me in one session, and she lied and said she felt better when she didn’t.  I realized what happened and apologized profusely to her and gained her trust back right then and there.  That was the only time she ever lied to me, when I invalidated her.  It is VERY important to never invalidate your inner child.

The relationship between you and your inner child is above all the most important.  Trust and receive all information that you see in hypnosis.  I am sure there are some instances where memories could be false, but for me personally, “the subconscious doesn’t lie” is my personal belief.  In my own sessions, I have not seen anything in hypnosis yet that has proven to be false, no matter how bizarre it seemed.  Each piece of evidence that was shown to me by my inner child seemed highly bizarre.  But each piece began to form a puzzle that, as the process went on, made total sense, and continues to make more and more sense the more pieces I am given.  My recommendation is not to freak out or react, especially outwardly (or to accuse others), to what you receive in one or even two sessions.  Continue with sessions as part of your healing, and go into each session with a clear mind and without any expectations as to what might come up.

I have received a lot of my memories while in hypnosis or while having the Completion Process performed on me.  I also had blips of memories pop up while conscious.  One day I clearly had the vision of my handler come to me.  My first question in my mind was, “who is this person?”  I saw him so clearly.  This was before recovering any memories involving him.  Later, he popped up in a session involving a ritual, and I subsequently had 7-8 sessions that involved him (not all memories have been recovered as I am still in process).  So what started as an image of a man I had no idea about, went on to present itself in multiple sessions.  Again, the subconscious doesn’t lie.  However, it’s not about looking for a reason as to why you are sick or have mental illness.  It’s about being ready on a soul level to receive the information and your soul presenting it to you.  If you found this article, there’s a good chance your soul guided you here and you are ready to explore this.  Don’t force it; simply receive information, intuition and guidance as it comes to you.

I have also had really nefarious feelings, randomly, about teachers I had and loved in preschool and kindergarten.  Mind you, these were teachers that my perception was of them being so sweet and kind.  However, at some point they were randomly popping up in my mind during my recovery process, and I saw them as being dark, evil figures, which led me to some realizations that they too could have been involved.  I am certain they were (due to my own memory recovery patterns) but haven’t gotten to the point where I’ve recovered the memories in sessions yet.   But the pattern is always the same for me; certain people will randomly “pop up” in my mind that I had not been thinking about at all before, and there will be dark, completely unexpected feelings about them.  And then later it will be validated in a session.

This article is not all inclusive in terms of repressed memories.  I am NOT an expert on repressed memories.  It simply represents my own personal experience with them.  I hope that this will help some people out there who are struggling with this process as there don’t seem to be many resources online in terms of repressed memories.  When it comes to dealing with repressed memories, remember that recovering them is not about anyone outside of you.  It is not about accusing someone, getting revenge, or finding a false reason about why you feel the way you feel, or using these experiences to take someone to court or to prosecute.  It’s simply to HEAL yourself.

Healers who are working with those you suspect may have repressed memories: never suggest to your client that they may have repressed memories or that they may have been sexually abused.  Even if you “know” this is the case, it can lead to false memories and legal implications.  When the soul is ready, it will find you, seek you out, and if the time is right, it will be recovered in a session.


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