I have been through quite literally the narcissist boot camp training over this last year. In hindsight, they’ve been around my entire life, but the ones I’ve been getting over the last year have been getting more and more sophisticated – the types you would never suspect. I am honestly really hoping I can become a better judge of them and start seeing signs sooner. This is the school of life.
The narcissist can be so tricky. While everyone has some codependency and narcissism, and we are all on a spectrum, some people are vicious narcissists that will seriously harm you without you even understanding that you ever got hurt. I have begun noticing my own patterns of Stockholm syndrome, whereby I keep denying in my mind that this is really happening. This is the pattern of the codependent. You don’t want to believe it’s real. So you keep making excuses, and excuses, and excuses for the person, over, and over, and over again. They may even tell you right to your face what their intentions are, but you can’t face the facts.
The narcissist will almost always show red flags in the first or second meeting. But even then, the most advanced ones, the ones that actually do not even realize they’re narcissists – can fool you for months or even years.
They can be soulmates or twin flames, making this all the more confusing. You can feel their absolute love, this is love from past lives.
It doesn’t mean this person isn’t a narcissist in this life. A person can love you, and you can be in love with a person, and they can still be a narcissist.
They will criticize you and point out all of your flaws, but as soon as you point out one of theirs, they will launch an all-out war against you.
They shame you for your shortcomings. They almost always shame.
They leave you with a shattered sense of self, low self-esteem.
You’re so confused, you feel so much hurt, anger, and rage. Yet they are calm, cool and collected.
This is a narcissist.
They will gaslight you once they’ve attacked you. They will switch the whole thing around and make everything your fault. They will withdraw completely from you and refuse to communicate. One of the narcissist’s greatest tactics is refusal to communicate. So while you’re upset, losing your mind, and feeling like you’re going crazy – they are holding all of the power. The conversations will only take place on THEIR terms.
This is a narcissist.
As soon as you have recovered from the total shock that is a narcissist attack, and have something to say to them, they will tell you how disappointed they are in you and your meltdowns and “projections”. If you are feeling unbearable rage at this person, you are not imagining it. You are not a bad person. You’ve just been duped by a narcissist.
The narcissist absolutely loves to appear perfect at all costs. They can’t take down their mask of perfection. If they did, they would lose all sense of control.
The reason they keep telling you how awful you are is because everything has to be your fault before it’s theirs. They have to abandon you first.
They will love bomb the shit out of you, you will think you’ve found the most amazing, loving person in the universe. This is your soulmate, your best friend.
The minute you say or do something they don’t like, you are devalued and discarded like yesterday’s trash.
The narcissist will manipulate all of your friends away from you, appearing to be the victim. You will suddenly find yourself without any support. It’s almost as if your life has been stolen out from under you (because it has).
The narcissist LOVES to say that the way that you feel about them after they attacked you, is your own projection. They will never own up to their own behavior. Ever.
They’ll tell you you’re a victim, even as they attack you and leave you for dead. To admit fault now, how could they? They cannot lose face.
They appear cute and cuddly. They can be the people everyone thinks is the nicest and sweetest person around. You may even think so highly of them. Until you see the truth.
The narcissist cannot have their superiority or imperfection called into question. This is the number one sign of a narcissist. Someone who cannot, in any circumstances, be seen as less than perfect.
They will do anything and everything, their own minds will trick them – to believe that you are the one with all of the faults. To admit any less would be to admit defeat for them. It would be like dying. Their self-esteem so incredibly low, that the insistence that you are the problem is the only way they can survive.
You feel like you are reeling in craziness and confusion after dealing with them – no matter what you do, you cannot reconcile in your mind what happened…you can’t reconcile the hurt and anger you feel…you can’t reconcile whose “fault” it is. You go over everything in your mind time and time again, weighing everything you did to contribute to the situation. You’re playing devil’s advocate with yourself. You simply want to see the TRUTH. Yet no matter how many times you look at how you contributed to the situation, you still feel unbearable rage. You’re dealing with a narcissist.
Trust your intuition. If you feel crazy, upset, and out of control – you’re dealing with a narcissist.
If it’s been days, weeks, months, and you still feel upset at what happened to you – you’re probably dealing with a narcissist.
A key indicator I’ve noticed is: when you have a complete inability to reconcile the events, based upon their reaction to you and their take on the situation. They will make you feel crazy. This is their greatest tool. Whether they are conscious of it or not…they have some sick pleasure from controlling the narrative, 100% of the time. To lose any power would be to die.
You can sense this person secretly enjoys your discomfort or pain. They may hold back a smile when your boyfriend breaks up with you, or when a guy doesn’t return your interest. They may love to try to seduce and manipulate all of the men around you. You may suddenly find yourself alone – single-white-female style.
They will make sure every one of your mutual friends is on their side. Fooled into believing that they are the victim. They always have to have the upper hand over the people in your life. Behind your back they will go, and form coalitions. They have a way to make everyone believe their victimhood without even claiming it. Before you know it, you’re completely alone. And you feel afraid to challenge them again, now that they’ve fooled everyone around you.
As soon as you call this person on their shit, they will act like you’re the crazy one and as if they are so disappointed in you. They will refuse to talk to you and will give you the silent treatment. The narcissist LOVES the silent treatment – it is their greatest and most used tool. Complete and total abandonment – they will “teach you”. They will prolong the silent treatment for as long as possible to guarantee complete and total submission. They will make sure that you NEVER challenge them again. They will make sure you suffer so much that first time you call them out – and any subsequent times you try to call them out – that by the time they come back to you, you’re terrified to ever say anything again. Their goal is complete and total domination over you. Until you’re a shell of a person who is terrified to speak your truth, living in total fear of the consequences – abandonment. Abandonment that you can’t handle any longer. You already suffered so much the first time – how could you possibly cope with this silent treatment again? You can’t. So you will keep silent. Complete and total submission.
They also make sure to give you the silent treatment for a cruel amount of time, until your self-esteem is broken down and you are doubting yourself – doubting your sanity, doubting your place in the disagreement. Until you are left feeling more hopeless, alone, and afraid than ever. You now descend into all sorts of agreements with yourself. Agreements as to how you will control this situation. Ideas or tactics to defend yourself from this person. You begin bargaining with yourself. It’s as if you’ve created a hell on Earth trying to cope- get out now.