I have been struggling with some intense energetic purges over the last few weeks after I got deeply triggered. My higher self arranged for this event to happen that triggered me, so it hasn’t been a negative thing.
For months I’ve been getting guidance to connect with my spirit guides. But to be honest, I just didn’t know how. I bought a class on spirit guides and didn’t finish it. I was attempting to speak to ascended masters and archangels a bit here and there. One of my biggest challenges is an overactive, powerful mind and ego. I spent my entire life building up this monster in an extremely left-brained world, and one of my strengths is my mind. However, my mind is no longer my friend at this point and it’s taken a while to receive and get this.
I knew I needed something, but I just didn’t know what. I am extremely guided. I will hear things three times in a short-time span from three separate sources, which will alert me to something I need to pay attention to. I follow signs like crazy. I’ve been experimenting with tarot and using my decks (albeit at an amateur level using cards with messages but that’s all you need as a beginner). But lately something was missing. Something just wasn’t gelling.
I went on instagram and suddenly saw a live video from Hood_Shaman. I don’t even believe I had ever followed this person before. The live feed just popped up. Either that or he happened to find and follow me that day. I noticed in my feed he had followed me.
He started talking about spirit guides and how they don’t want to deal with humans (lol), for a variety of reasons. Everything he was saying really resonated with me. He was real. I really loved his energy. He mentioned that he did $25 spirit consultations. I could tell he was very tapped in to his own guidance, something I’ve desperately been wanting. So I knew this was a sign from my guides. I booked a session with him.
When I spoke to Michael, he told me how to create an altar. I was somewhat familiar with the concept and had created a sort of altar but had never connected it to prayer (duh lol. Newbie!). He recommended connecting with my ancestors first, of which he said there were billions (from all of our lives). I never gave thought to ancestors. I’d only given thought to spirit guides/ascended masters/angels. He also told me about how I would need to feed them lol. Now I know how bizarre this all sounds. When I heard it, I was pretty overwhelmed at the prospect of making food for spirits when I can barely take care of myself lol. I won’t give everything he told me to do away, I highly recommend connecting with this master. He is amazing.
I ran out and got the candles I needed and got a black and gold altar cloth with a pentacle on it, which I feel very connected to. I cleaned everything as he instructed. I got my crystals and arranged them around the pentacle, in a sort of grid. I placed drops of rose, myrrh and frankincense strategically around the pentacle points. I added a pine cone and a plant for my love of nature. And I placed up pictures of my inner child, myself as a baby and at five years old, and a few other items. Your altar should represent you and your essence. No need to buy tons of items, you can use whatever you have that is special or important to you. I spent $20 on my altar.
Now, I have never prayed in my life. I was super religious as a young child but in an obsessive way, as I was taught by Baptist relatives. Around the age of ten I became an atheist and did not believe in any higher power until about a year ago. I’m 35.
One thing I’ve really struggled with is knowing how to pray. The only prayers I ever heard in my childhood were laced with fear and a sense of obligation. They felt completely manufactured, rarely changed tune, and felt to come from a place of fear. Because of that, I have had resistance to the thought of “prayer”. In my mind, prayer was a painful obligation. I associated it with falseness.
I laid my yoga blanket in front of my altar, lit three candles, and got down on the floor on my blanket in child’s pose. I decided I was going to do this right or not at all. I had no idea what I was doing and no idea how to pray. I said that to my ancestors. I decided to just start speaking from my heart and not treating this as a “prayer”. I told them how I was sorry I hadn’t connected to them yet, and how I had no idea what to say to them or how to pray. I just started speaking from my heart and found myself crying. As soon as I started my connection to them, one of my candles started crackling loudly. I began singing “Ong Namo”, a song I had learned. i just did what I felt in my heart.
As soon as I started authentically connecting to them by speaking my truth, and emotions started flooding out, I felt a connection occurring. I started seeing some of them and they began speaking to me. There was an elven older woman with blue eyes who had been my mother in a past life. I could feel her love. I believe several connected to me and I could hear various voices speaking to me. I simply started praying for what I wanted and needed. I felt the presence of viking-like people as Michael had mentioned, but didn’t speak with them yet. I also suddenly saw a beautiful elven princess, someone I may have been with in a past life. Her voice was distinct and she gave me specific instructions on what I needed to do.
At some point, I got up to blow my nose and I heard, “french fries”. Lol. I know this sounds ridiculous. I had gotten food earlier and brought home leftover fries. I went to the kitchen, and heard, heat them up. I didn’t want to microwave them so I put them in a pan and heated them up. I put them on a plate. I soon heard, “dates”, “cinammon”, “honey”. Later on I heard cacao and black tea. They were asking for things I already had. I arranged everything on the plate and a cup of tea. I took it and placed in on the altar. This was in the early part of the ceremony.
I was honestly feeling really good about fulfilling their needs and lovingly preparing foods for them. I have a very hard time meditating. I have an extremely active monkey mind. It’s one of my biggest issues. The connection I felt during the entire ceremony and prayer was very palpable. I never felt connected to anyone in my life like this, not a person, not an animal, not anyone. I really felt their love. They were very grateful for all of the offerings I gave them and happy I happily complied.
I found certain people popping into my mind. The elven princess gave me advice about each of them. My ex popped into my head. She gave me information about him and I could sense that he still loved me. I met my twin flame about 8 months ago and am committed to getting myself to a place where I can connect with him. We both have things we need to get through to get to that place where we’re ready to connect.
She told me to send my ex an email forgiving him. This is something I’ve really struggled with. I was very angry for a very long time. I tried to forgive him multiple times but would always be overtaken by anger. She explained to me I had to send that email and formally send him off to clear the energies so I could connect with my twin flame. She also gave me advice about a friend who had texted me earlier that day. She told me about showing her compassion and just listening. Something I have really struggled with is my masculine side of always wanting to give advice. I really lost my ability to be empathetic in the last couple years because I was on autopilot, trying to survive. She also gave me advice about one friend that I didn’t feel comfortable with yet but I’m going to consider it.
After about 30 or so minutes, I finished up. I felt more connected, loved, and supported than I maybe ever have in my entire life. For someone who has a hard time connecting with humans, this was really important for me. I do struggle connecting with humans after how much I have been through. I will have patience with myself as I get through my recovery, and I know that won’t be as much of an issue in the future, but right now I have to focus on my connection to myself.
After I finished, I went into the bathroom and washed my face. I had been having a hard time loving my self-care routine. It had just become a chore and I no longer enjoyed it, but I found myself doing it lovingly. I heard the elven princess. “Look into your eyes.” I looked into my eyes and she asked what I saw. I saw deep fear and mistrust. I saw lots of pain and suffering. I was startled by the fear. I continued looking into my eyes and they softened as I connected with myself. I realized I had totally lost connection to myself. I came into my room and laid down and began processing. One of my friends, the one that had come up in the prayer and I was told to have compassion for, had been texting me about something she was going through. Instead of responding with advice, I told her not to worry about it and it was just a slipup, that she would be ok.
She responded to me by saying, “thank you for your compassion”.
I realized I had lost my ability to have compassion for others because I had completely lost my ability to have compassion for myself. I have been really hard on myself during my entire shadow work process. Not in the way of being disappointed in myself. But just by treating myself like a drill sergeant. I am a very intense person and I have been working incredibly hard the last year on my recovery. In that time, I lost my ability to love myself. I thought I was loving myself by doing the work. But I completely lost joy, I lost most happiness. I lost connection to myself. Everything was a means to an end, healing. I forgot how to be compassionate and loving to myself and in the end, I forgot how to be human.
One of the things I asked my ancestors for was healing. They spent the entire, and I mean entire, night sending me healing energies. I was able to tap back in to releasing more energies that needed to be released that I had repressed in the last two days out of exhaustion. I could feel them sending me energy and helping move the energy around and out. I was almost in a half-awake state most of the night, conscious enough to be in a deep meditative state, releasing energies that no longer served me. It was like one long Completion Process, without the soul retrieval. I asked my Truth Higher I am self to please retrieve the soul aspects that were in relation to these emotions and energies. I’m not sure if that “works”, but I heard my higher self said yes. I was too tired to do all that extra work as I was spending 8-10 hours just healing my chakras with the help of my ancestors. But it was way easier than it usually is. It felt gentle and I woke up feeling better.
I knew that my higher self had set up the deep trigger for several reasons. One was because I needed to release very deep heavy energies that were energetically weighing me down and resulting in me being attacked by entities. The more heavy emotional energy you have in your body, the easier it is for entities to connect to you and to live in you. They feed off of the negative emotions and perpetuate them. This is something that many people struggle with and have no idea about. So by releasing those heavy energies, you are freeing yourself up from being a target for these bottom feeders. I also really needed to be alone for a long time. I had had many situations that negatively affected me in 2017 (which were really ultimately lessons in setting strong boundaries), and now I had to spend time recovering from those incidents. I also needed to love being with myself. I have been driven crazy by these energies that have been forcing me to lay in bed 24 hours a day for three weeks. But it was ultimately a lesson in stopping struggling, and learning to love the company of myself. I was also told to stay off the internet and so I have made the decision to stay off as much as humanly possible. It was actually a huge relief to hear that. I am tired of my internet addiction which is severe. I know I have an internet and phone addiction. But I just couldn’t stop with it, always feeling the urge to check Facebook, Instagram, and to message people and read articles. The internet has lots of great purposes but it can really overtake you, and the energies we pick up from EMF and from going online are not good. I was always feeling like, am I doing enough work? All of my work is online now. I now have permission to disconnect as much as possible. I’m only going online to blog and do work. My internet and phone time will be very limited and I’m turning my phone off quite a bit from now on. What a gift to be given your sanity back.
I messaged my twin flame and said some things to him that needed to be said. I realized I had pushed him away with my total lack of compassion. I simply could not be compassionate for him or anyone in my life due to the lack of compassion I had for myself. I feel so blessed to finally see this, really, truly see this. I owe it to my ancestors.
I wanted to share this experience with any of you who are struggling to find answers and peace. I am so happy I have reconnected with my ancestors. I discovered the truth in one night that could have taken my months or years of struggling to discover. Sometimes it is so easy to lose or miss what is right in our face, especially for those who are always seeking. I now feel like I have a powerful compass of guidance, and the sky is truly the limit for me. I no longer have to struggle in darkness. I now have my very own personal therapists who will guide me and lead me every step of the way.
Om, shanti, peace, ancestors. Om, shanti, peace. I love you.