I found my healing path after many years of struggling in a life, career and reality that were not suited for me.  Growing up in South Florida, I was surrounded by materialism and heavy partying.  I had a career as a Financial Analyst and was “successful” by most standards, but was unhappy, even though I was doing everything society told me I was “supposed” to do.  I spent my entire 20s on anti-depressants to survive my high-pressure career and life.  I had few relationships and friends, struggled with chronic fatigue and autoimmune symptoms, found dating impossible, and found myself near suicide after a toxic relationship at 27 that resulted in me re-examining everything I ever thought I knew.  After that relationship ended, I found myself in a therapist’s office for 3 years.  While I stayed alive, I didn’t really improve or get better.  I found myself hopeless, without connections to other human beings, and getting black-out drunk every weekend.  During the second year of therapy, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  After looking back at my toxic relationship, and realizing that the person I had been with was a sociopath and had Borderline and Anti-Social Personality Disorder, and had triggered my own illness severely, I spent the next few years trying to recover from the shell of a person I had become.  At the height of my despair, my psyche shattered and I entered a six-month phase of enlightenment, which ultimately saved my life.  

Me in South Florida

I went back to school and got my MBA while working.  I had a great job I did well at, but at some point realized it was never enough.  I felt like a hamster on a wheel.  I continued to attract narcissists and sociopaths, and by this time my health was failing.  I went to the best doctors where I was told nothing was wrong with me, even though I felt like I had a flu 24 hours a day, needed three huge sweet teas a day to subsist, was getting up to urinate 10 times a night, couldn’t sleep, was running on cortisol and was suffering from anxiety, depression, and numerous other symptoms.  One day I pulled into the parking lot at work and drove into the bumper.  I hit a wall and went to the emergency room where I was told my electrolytes were all over the place.  I was unhappy and even though I had done everything “right”, nothing in my life was working.  At 31, I decided to quit and take time to travel, a passion of mine, and then move to Austin, Texas to work on my health and start a new life.

During my time traveling, I decided to freeze my eggs in Colombia.  I had a friend whose wife had gone to a top clinic there, and it was half the cost of the procedure in the states.  To my utter shock I found I had an extremely low ovarian reserve and was entering premature menopause at 32 years old.  This was my final wake-up call; I was not imagining my symptoms.  I came back to Florida and found myself getting more and more delirious, bordering on mania.  One night I had a dream, and when I awoke and looked up the symbols in my dream, I found that they told a story, one that pointed to my possible sexual abuse.  I had no recollection of any abuse but I started to read online.  I went from one article to the next, reading and clicking and getting more and more manic.  I found myself reading posts by sexual abuse victims.  I found an article that spoke about how victims of sexual abuse masturbated when hearing of other children being molested.  As I was reading the article, I realized my hand was in my pants.  I had a moment where the most intense, scary emotion I have ever experienced started to rise.  A knowing, a mania.  I immediately shut it down and suppressed it.  The emotion was so intense I felt I could possibly have a heart attack or be a vegetable if I were not in a hospital setting or a treatment center.  I shut it out, convinced myself this wasn’t real and carried on with life.  

When I got to Austin, I found myself sicker than ever.  I went to many doctors at a top clinic for three months and did not receive any answers.  After entering my symptoms on an online symptom checker, I found that I might have a gluten intolerance.  I went off of gluten and within hours felt myself coming back into my body and back into the present moment.  It felt as if every cell in my body was coming alive for the weeks that followed.  Thus started my self-healing process.  I hadn’t believed in alternative healing methods prior but found myself in holistic clinics and receiving acupuncture.  The first time I received acupuncture I slept nonstop and cried for two weeks.  I continued modifying my diet.  Eventually I ran out of money and went back to work as a Financial Analyst.  After experiencing a stressful work situation, I found myself getting fired after six months.  I was at rock bottom again, but was relieved.  I had realized I couldn’t be a financial analyst any longer.  

Austin, Texas

I found myself reaching out to a guy I had met recently and telling him I was fired.  Depressed and not knowing what I was going to do with my life, he started spending every day with me doing yoga and helping me transition to a vegan diet.  He put me on various cleanses.  I started feeling much more peaceful and found something strange happening; my mind, body and spirit were connecting.  Thus started the beginning of my awakening.  One night, Sam and I went to a tantra class.  I had never done anything like that before.  The very first exercise was to talk about what we wanted to let go of and what we wanted to let in.  I suddenly felt the weight of a thousand pounds on me and the heaviest sadness.  As I found myself stating that I wanted to let go of fear and let in love, I felt the sensation that there were repressed memories, again.  I knew I couldn’t ignore this any longer.  Within a week I found myself in Cusco, Peru to take ayahuasca at an ayahuasca retreat.  I had read online how it sometimes helped in recovery of memories.  

Machu Piccu, Peru

While I didn’t recover the memories in Peru, I found out far more valuable information about myself and my life path.  Having been an atheist for most of my life, I now was a believer in a greater power.  During my ayahuasca journeys I spoke telepathically with people in the room, entered other dimensions, and met Mother Earth.  I spoke with dead relatives, saw my past lives and those of others.  I had the realization that nothing was as I thought it was.  I returned back to Austin and started following signs.  I went to a bookstore and was drawn to books by an author by the name of Carlos Castaneda.  I began reading The Active Side of Infinity, a book about a student who goes in search for his shaman, only to find his shaman has been waiting for him.  The books were about Don Juan, a Toltec shaman and a figure I knew nothing about.  

I hadn’t spoken to Sam in a few weeks.  I got a call from him and he told me something important, and I found myself on Meetup.com searching for spiritual groups.  As I scrolled down, The very last group said “Toltec Shamanism”.  I clicked on it and looked at the description.  The current incarnation of the the Toltec Shaman Don Juan, Carmen Ramirez, was in Austin from Mexico and was holding a meetup in Austin that night at 7 pm.  I went to the meetup, hoping Carmen would have a reaction to me.  She didn’t, but I scheduled a reading the very next day.  That night I went home and felt spirits all around me in my apartment.  The energy was completely palpable.  I barely slept the next week.  One night my guardian angel laid his entire body on me and lifted my fingers up as he was holding my hand.  Another night I visited fairy and gnome lands in my sleep.  Another night I awoke to someone’s crying coming into my ear, like a radio tuner.  I barely slept.  

The reading was completely life-changing.   She explained that we go through 7-year cycles and the cycle from 21 to 28 was for career.  Once the right career was found, we could enter the cycle for love.  Because I still hadn’t found the right career, I wasn’t able to find the right relationship.  In the reading she told me that I had one year to get my career and love-life in order.  I was 34 years old.  If I didn’t at least re-align by the time I was 35, I would enter into a hurricane.  She told me they would give me time and keep me in the eye of the hurricane.  She knew so much about me, including that I was in premature menopause.  She said that because I had a very dense, negative energy she couldn’t see the future clearly, and recommended a cleansing.  

I went for my cleansing with Carmen and she began burning frankincense and myrrh in a cauldron with coal.  The smoke burned black as I was releasing negative energy, and white when it was complete.  It eventually burned white.  Carmen then mentioned my guardian angel.  Knowing nothing about guardian angels, I asked innocently, “Is it my cousin?”.  My cousin had died in a car accident when I was 16 and he was 29, leaving three children behind.  I was very close to him.  “No”, she laughed, and then suddenly, the smoke burned black.  “Your cousin is here”, she said.  “He is angry his life was taken too soon.”  He had gotten stuck on earth because he didn’t go toward the white light at the time of death.  Today was the day he was originally intended to die, and it was his last day to cross over before he lost his eternal life.  Our guardian angels had been working together to bring me to this day, moment and time, and the ceremony was for him.  We crossed him over, and it was one of the most profound experiences of my life.  Carmen got up, and with all her might, entered the fifth dimension, and I felt angels whooshing him up into the sky.  

Carmen then performed a five-hour cleansing ceremony on me, and I was told I had had a curse put upon me so I couldn’t have a baby; she removed the curse.  She said she saw two women.  I knew instantly who they were.  I then placed the crystal I was holding into the fire and it transformed into what I was releasing.  A massive ball of black coal formed.  “Wow,” she said.  I had released a huge amount of negative energy.  My crystal then transformed into my gift.  

The night before the cleansing, I had reached out to my second cousin on Facebook messenger.  The oldest of my cousin’s three children, I was particularly close to her.  I had only spoken to her once before about her father, but this night I found myself delivering his final message to her.  “I know you didn’t get to know him, but your father is very proud of you, your sister and your brother, and he loves you very much.”  

After this ceremony, three more friends went for cleansings.  All had connections to Carmen.  Carmen had been looking for one of the girls, and said her power would become greater than hers.

I went on about my life, continuing to follow the signs of the universe.  I found animals coming to me, spirits tapping on my window, car crashes happening outside of my bedroom window to alert me.  Crazy things were happening left and right.  I started seeing repeating numbers everywhere.  11:11.  12:12.  Magic was real and I was so happy.  I finally had an exciting life, the life I wanted where all I did was follow the signs of the universe.  I began meeting more soul family.  Now, what was I going to do with my life?  I needed to find a new career.  I started delving into different spiritual practices and classes, looking for the right path.  I went to an angel class and one night went home and pulled from a past-life deck of cards I had bought.  I had a codependent relationship with someone from my past and wanted to release it.  I pulled a card, and it said “ships”.  Immediately I sunk into a spontaneous past-life regression where I found myself on the Titanic.  I was looking around the ballroom for this present-life person, but couldn’t find him.  Suddenly, I saw murky water in front of me and bars.  “John!  Help me!  John!  Please help me!  John!”  Tears flooded down my face.  I forgave John for leaving me underdeck that fateful night.  The person in my present life disappeared without a trace.

I was living in so much magic, but feeling progressively worse about the uncovered memories.  Someone at the angel class recommended a hypnotherapist to me for past-life regression.  I decided to go to try to uncover my repressed memories.  I didn’t recover them in that session but I had a hugely powerful first meeting with my inner child.  I was feeling a lot of anxiety and eventually realized, after 30 minutes of my eyes shifting up and down, that I had become my four-year old self.  She was terrified of coming out.  I felt a huge column of energy shift in my chest.  Meeting her and feeling her profound innocence was the most important healing moment I have ever had.  Immediately I knew that this was what I wanted to do.  I decided to go to the same school my hypnotherapist went to out in California, but at the last minute, I was guided to a different one by someone who gave me an akashic record reading.  It was called the Institute of Alchemical Hypnosis, founded by David Quigley.  Something about the word alchemical resonated with me.  A couple months later I was out in Santa Rosa, California, going to hypnotherapy school.

With $800 and nowhere to live, and an older car, I set out to California.  I couchsurfed and met a very interesting man who played me the most beautiful private piano concertos.  I went to class and on the first day had to walk out.  Someone’s soothing voice triggered me and I needed to get away from people.  I went camping in the redwoods, where I had another bout of mania, feeling things rising and emerging.  I was terrified.  

Eventually I recovered the first memory of my sexual abuse in a hypnosis session.  It was still hard to believe that this was true, even though I was seeing and hearing things.  I asked Archangel Michael for help.  He told me to believe my inner child.  “She knows, she knows”, I heard him say.  I felt energy being pulled out of my lower region during the session.  As soon as I awoke, I was in a state of shock.  I decided to accept it as true to honor my inner child, even though I was still somewhat unsure.

Over the next two months, my classmate and soul sister Robin and I exchanged many sessions.  We both received tons of present and past-life healing.  I recovered some more memories, and some more information about the person who had abused me.  This person came to me in a session and told me they were a pedophile.  I was shocked.  The two and a half months were exhilarating, learning this wonderful new modality, yet very trying.  So much was coming up and a lot of us were on edge.  At some point in the process, I saw my soul skip multiple timelines like a book whose pages were being flipped through.  I saw my soul evolving.  This work was truly alchemical, alchemy of the soul.  During my time in California I lived with another soul sister who became a great friend, Adriana, and her three dogs.  I really connected to Eno, a siberian husky, and took him hiking at Fitch mountain in Healdsburg.  

Eno in Fitch Mountain, Healdsburg, California

I came back to Austin where I started my new career as an Alchemical Hypnotherapist.  I struggled with lack of money, homelessness as I was renting my apartment out, and still feeling the weight of the trauma on me.  I still didn’t know too much about it, only that it had happened.  I accepted it and thought I was good and done with it and life went on.  Only that didn’t happen.  My relationship with the guy I had been dating was falling apart and I was being targeted by sexually predatory people.  I had a really bad incident and my friend told me my soul was trying to tell me I wasn’t over the abuse.  Someone had tried to hypnotize me and make me dissociate.  I was very upset by that, and at the realization that I was not healed and I had more tough work ahead of me.  My friend gave me a Completion Process (Teal Swan’s modality) session where I felt energy rupture from my root, rising through my crown like an earthquake, and I heard mens’ screams.  

I decided to enter into an intense shadow work process.  I started coming across various modalities, everything as I needed it.  I was able to trade with other healers, and free help entered my life when I needed it most.  One person I came across, Zar, really helped me.  I had been getting psychically attacked, unbeknownst to me, and he recognized that and cleared me of heavy entities that had been affecting me for months.  I continued working closely with Zar and he’s been one of my biggest supporters in this process.  I told my friends about what was going on with me, but no one in my family knew what I was going through.

I continued with eight Emotion Code/Body Code sessions by a wonderful local healer named Betsy.  These were absolutely life changing.  Lots of toxicity and deeply stuck emotions, as well as heart walls, were removed, and I felt massive energy shifts occurring in my body.  I then found EFT (emotional freedom technique) and did a chakra-clearing class by master Sonya Sophia Illig online.  I did three root sessions, a sacral and a solar plexus and entered into a positive healing crisis.  Over six days, dark energy flowed from my root nonstop, day and night, like bubbles rising.  I could do nothing but lay in bed and allow the energy to rise.  I continued with EFT work on all of the chakras.  I also met soul sister and Teal Swan Completion Process practitioner, Machiko, who gave me two life-changing sessions.  I lived in shadow work, doing sessions every few days and taking tons of epsom salt baths and cleansing, and occasionally received a reiki, acupuncture or massage session, which helped move things out.  After doing around 30-40 Emotion Code, EFT, Alchemical Hypnosis and Completion Process sessions over four months, I found myself consumed by unbelievable rage and anger.  In a session I had with Zar, I stabbed a pillow for over an hour and released the tremendous rage I had at several people surrounding my abuse.  

The day before this session, I had received my third and final message about a miraculous healing.  It had come from Malek, my new mentor in the Creator’s Portal.  I had been feeling really upset and like I would need hundreds more sessions.  Malek told me he thought I was close to being healed and that a miracle healing could occur, that I just needed to decide that it would.  This was after Robin asked me a week before if I could have a miracle, and after I had pulled a card from my Isis tarot deck that read, “Isis offers you a miracle healing now”.  So, I decided I was going to have my miracle, and that day with Zar, it happened.  I released rage at the lies that had been told to me by my abuser, who had denied he was abusing me while doing it, and who denies it to this day.  I saw that he was a sociopath and a narcissist, something I had no idea about.  Suddenly everything in my life made sense.  All of the men I had attracted, my struggles in my 20s, my life-long depression and anxiety, my toxic relationships.  

As I continued my Completion Process sessions, I began uncovering memories of satanic ritual abuse, trafficking, electrocution and torture, and of witnessing human sacrifice.

I continue my shadow work to help myself fully and completely recover from my trauma, codependency, the narcissist/empath cycle, and borderline personality disorder.  I continue to work on past-life trauma and integration, contracts and karmic debt, and outdated belief systems and conditioning using all of the wonderful tools I’ve found and more.  I love shadow work and plan to continue indefinitely.  I find myself gaining so much power, access to abilities, and freedom by returning to true self.  

None of what happened to me was by accident.  I had soul contracts to undergo sexual abuse so that I would see that the pain of childhood goes into adulthood, and would help people recover from it.  I saw in my pre-conception contract that this was all planned out before I incarnated, and my destiny was to become a hypnotherapist.  I am happy I have made it.  It’s been a long and difficult road but I’m here to show people you can leave your old life behind.  You do not need to be miserable and chained to a career and life that is making you unhappy.  Even though I was financially struggling and became destitute, I have been happier than I have ever been in my life.  I finally feel like I found my soul’s purpose.